Did you just read that in the voice of an annoying 16 year old girl who spends way too much time looking at UGG boots on Instagram? Good. You’re already getting it. You won’t find these types of new year resolution here however.
First off, writing a post about new years resolutions (not what this post is about, but still) in January is so cliché, which is why I elected to write in February. Take that, clichés.
Aaah, 2016. What a ride you’ve been. There were ups and downs. Trump was sworn in as the Commander-in-Chief. So yes, a lot, lot, lot, lot of downs. A lot of industries lost their poster men- and women. When I look at the extensive list of deaths this year, it’s hard to fathom that so many people I admired whilst growing up passed in a single year. SO much has happened in a year, one might almost forget what went down. This is why I decided to have this little rundown of things you shouldn’t forget happened this year :
The music industry took a major hit, with the passing of David Bowie, Prince, Billy Paul, Toots Thielemans (Belgian!) , Leonard Cohen, George Michael and a few others. Literature took a plunge as well, with Umberto Eco and Harper Lee kicking the bucket the same day. Then there’s the area of cinematography, where Alan Rickman split town before his time and Carrie Fischer told us all to fuck off by having her urn shaped as a Prozac capsule just ahead of seeing Trump kick out yet another black family from their (white) house.
Then there are a handful of events which happened in 2016 which can be categorized in 2 categories : things everyone (should) care about and thing no-one cares about but which are hilarious. Kind of.
Things everyone (should) care about :
- The United States elected the personification of the intermediary evolutionary step between the Bonobo and the human to it’s highest office.
- The International Criminal Court finds Jean-Pierrre Bemba and Radovan Karadžić guilty of war crimes, genocide and crimes against humanity.
- The UK proves that a ‘self-fulfilling prophecy’ (no not selfie-prophecy, although there’s a case to be made for that too) is a real thing, and decides to bail on Europe.
- The International Consortium of Investigative Journalists exposes the ‘Panama leaks’ thereby ruining a lot of weekends for a shitload of lawyers. Thanks
- The world is confronted with it’s latest viral outbreak, Zika.
- The 2016 summer Olympics in Rio happen without a major incident, which no-one saw coming (assuming you don’t consider mass-relocation of people from their homes to build single-use football stadiums an incident)
Things no-one cares about but which are hilarious :
- NASA‘s Juno spacecraft enters orbit around Jupiter and begins a 20-month survey of the planet. Now you gotta know, the guys at Nasa have a peculiar sense of humour, and as such they like to have a little fun. Fact is, all of Jupiter’s moons are named after his lovers and the affairs he had. Who’s Juno you ask? In mythology, Juno is Jupiter’s wife. Fucking NASA is sending Jupiter’s wife to check up on his lovers and affairs. These fucking guys. Bless their souls.
- The final VCR tape recorder rolls out of a factory in Japan.
- North Korea pooled all of its remaining resources into sending a long-range missile into space, effectively accomplishing nothing as they are perhaps the last nation on earth to commandeer basic rocket flight.
- Bob Dylan wins the Nobel Prize for Literature (?!?)
- The Maldives announced their decision to withdraw from the Commonwealth of Nations. I’m sure all the off-season models and honeymooning couples are heartbroken.
I myself refuse to make New Year’s resolutions because as the Daily Mirror shows it so perfectly, they’re all too easily broken. Case in point :
I will however refrain from doing certain things in 2017. For one, I will stop relying on BMW’s ‘mobility system’. Because why put in a spare tire when you can put a canister of pressurised glue instead right? It’s not as bad as a band-aid on a gunshot wound. It’s worse. It’s like putting hair mousse on a gunshot wound. Sure, you’ll look pretty. And dead. Mostly dead. How in the world engineers thought a canister of gel could replace a tire is beyond me, but they might easily tie with Trump for ‘most-unqualified-personnel’.
*drops the mic and walks out because he can’t drive because he has no spare tire*
Bring it on 2017