Spring cleaning the shit out of your iPhone

Depending on where you live, spring has sprung. This means there are millions of people looking in the mirror right now and realising that their summer body is not en route and that that last piece of pecan pie might have been a bad idea. Not me though, I never regret pecan pie.

If you’re anything like me though, you are constantly running out of iPhone space. Be it the decade-long hamstering of pictures of cats, cats and even more cats that you’ve got in your iCloud, the endless array of downloaded Spotify playlists (320kbps is a BITCH on memory) and a couple of apps and games later you’ll find yourself running out of disk space faster than a Goldmann-Sachs stockbroker running out of coke on a Wednesday.

So you’ve splurged money on the 64GB (or 128GB if you’re fancy/have an extreme amount of catphotos you are not willing to part with and always need to keep handy) – version and Apple won’t let you add an external memorycard. Whaddayado?

The force and weakness of Apple’s closed iOs is that you’re fairly limited in the management capabilities of the OS. This prevents you from ignorantly deleting system-critical files, but it also prevents you from performing basic system maintenance on your smartphone (which they do need), which is also why you are running out of space.

All those years of Googling the stupidest shit, scrolling on Instagram through an endless supply of motivational instagram posts, and half-funny meme’s on 9Gag probably cluttered your phone cache space (where all the apps store temporary information) and it’s time to sweep things up. But how?

The problem is that Apple doesn’t really allow specific stand-alone apps that clean your phone up, because they believe not everyone will be able to build them properly, and some people will end up deleting these system-critical files and effectively render their phones bricks.

You can however, gently coerce iOs into doing that maintenance itself. Just like the mafia-boss ‘encouraging’ you to pay up the monthly fee to keep your restaurant ‘safe from harm’, you can equally ‘encourage’ your iPhone to clean up after itself.

The easiest/most natural way to do this is the following according to me :

  1. First, check how much space you have left. To do this go to settings -> General -> Storage & iCloud usage -> Manage Storage. You’ll be greeted here with an overview of the remaining disk space, and what program is eating up space.
  2. Go to the iTunes store. The place you never visit to ‘buy’ music and movies. The key to coercing your iPhone into cleaning up after itself is that it has to realize it doesn’t have enough memory to do certain things. One of these things that encourages exactly that, is renting a huge movie. I have found that the remastered, extended version of Lawrence of Arabia (coming in at a cool 10GB) does the job perfectly. All you have to do is search for the film, make sure its the huge 10GB version, and then TRY to rent it. I say try, because you will not be spending your precious dollars on the actual movie itself, because once you click on the ‘Rent’ button, your iPhone will check if it has enough space to download it. Evidently, it won’t (this is a requirement though. If you do have enough space, you’ll just end up with the movie and you’ll be 4$ poorer).You’ll be prompted to go to the settings, because there’s not enough memory space. Do so, and then the magic happens. If you look at your home screen, you’ll see that a lot of apps have had their names temporarily changed to ‘Cleaning’, which is what we wanted. See images below, first icon from the left in the first picture, and the Safari icon on the second :

IMG_4404

IMG_4405
The iPhone is now purging all of its memory caches, and you’ll have a lot more space afterwards for more cat-pictures!

DISCLAIMER : In order for this technique to work the amount of available space on your iphone NEEDS to be LOWER than the movie/file you are trying to rent. Obviously if there’s enough space, the iPhone won’t clean itself. I will not be reimbursing anyone because they ended up with the extended version of Lawrence of Arabia on their phone.

Just go recheck your memory space now, and you’ll see a few gigabytes which were free’d up!

You are welcome. I accept coin in form of delicious food. Freeze & Fedex it to me.

 

MGGM

 

 

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