Lately I’ve been vacillant as to what amuses me more when it comes to news from Saudi Arabia. And by ‘amuse’ I mean ‘whose irrationality scares the living shit out of me’.
Electing a country notorious for its relentless violations of the most basic of human rights as the leader of a UN Human Rights Watch panel on human rights-violations just doesn’t strike me as being a good idea. Kerry’s mannerism in that photo even suggests a pre-emptive apologetic speech. ‘I know, we done fucked up now, but they’ve said they were really, really gonna try you guys. Give em a chance. Plus, they got us really cheap oil, so they cool.’
It’s basically the same thing as telling a recovering coke-head to guard a stash of cocaine, but also instructing him not to touch it. ‘No man, I swear. I’m done with that shit, it ruined my life’. You wouldn’t even have the time to turn around that he already would’ve blown through that pile of white powder faster than a pastry chef during ‘Croissant Week’ in Paris.
But hey, at least they obtained it fairly.
The other thing is this : I don’t know if you’ve been following the news lately but on the 21st of January the Financial Times opened up with a banger, showing that there does in fact seem to be an monumental discrepancy in between how Saudi-Arabia interprets the word ‘irrational’ and how the rest of the world interprets it. Anyone could have thought that already, given the constant stream of irrational behaviour originating from there, but this takes the cake.
Webster defines irrational as :
:irrational – adjective ir·ra·tio·nal \i-ˈra-sh(ə-)nəl, ˌi(r)-\
(1) : not endowed with reason or understanding (2) : lacking usual or normal mental clarity or coherence
A lack of reason and normal mental clarity or coherence is the first of many things that becomes obvious when you read these two headlines in conjunction with each other.
If you’re going to decree stupid shit at least have the intelligence of not decreeing an overabundant amount of stupid shit on the same friggin’ day. I mean come on, at least wait a day. If people playing chess is something that inspires fear in you or your government that they might be trying to pull a coup, it might be time to reconsider some of the choices that have been made. In my view, chess doesn’t inspire deviant behavior any more than eating avocados inspires a compulsive disorder to arrange cereals by fibre content. If people rally up against your government, it’s because you’re doing a crap job. No chess-ban is going to change that or keep them in line.
Judging from the obvious ocular deficiency that the Grand Mufti Sheikh Abdulaziz Al-Sheikh seems to have I think the ban has been triggered in consequence of him not having depth perception. (Is that a fucking marble he used to replace his eyeball? I dare venture so far as to say that a Saudi-Arabian sheikh MUST have some sort of pecuniary affluence, and the consequent financial purchasing power to invest in some bionic, next-level eyeball surgery right?) Imagine having to play chess, and never seeing your pawns move a row up.
But Saudi-Arabia isn’t the only thing acting out lately, lashing out left and right like a drunken, swashbuckling pirate. I have a rocky relationship with Siri. I like that I can just tell her to do stuff, but it’s a hit and miss at best. That haphazard miscommunication is also the reason why I sometimes have alarms going of at the most randoms of hours, usually when I’m in the sweet spot of my REM-sleep cycle. Lately – perhaps in view of the newfangled discovery of the ominous-sounding ‘Planet Nine’ – every response of Siri is somehow linked to the moon.
Exhibit the first : the left one resulted from me asking Siri to turn of my phone. I realized post-factum that Siri isn’t capable of actually turning of your phone (the reason for this particular disability continues to elude me, it’s not as if I was asking it to self-expode or worse, erase my grocery list). Regardless, to me it seems that Siri might have made quite the mental stretch. I can only imagine the algorhytm went a little like this :
“Dafuq did this dude ask me to do? Turn of the phone? Bitch I can’t turn off the phone, imma try and turn of the moon for you, see if that shuts you up. Ah damn, can’t do that neither. Stop it with all these dumbass questions. Imma hit you with some sarcasm.”
The second one was incited by the obvious question relating to the scheduled acquisition of shoe polish. I do however remain oblivious as to why the moon had to be dragged back into the equation (only programmers will understand this one). Seriously, how long would it even take to polish the fucking moon. And that’s not even speaking about how useless it would be. It won’t be long before some asshole meteorite crashes in it again, and we need to send out Bruce Willis to clean shit up.
In retrospect I’m pretty sure Siri is actually just some Saudi-Arabian dude, locked in a box with headphones stitched to his ears who has to listen to everyone’s dumbass questions and orders, and answer them to the best of his ability. A little irrationality is inevitably bound to surface from time to time then if you are condemned to a lifetime of this.
My biggest fear isn’t mutually assured destruction at the hands of nukes, or a viral outbreak of some virus. It’s that every computer becomes sassy AS FUCK like Siri. I don’t want to deal with sassy machines when I make an error. Thank you WeTransfer, you sassy bitch.
However, we’re no strangers to to occasional stroke of irrationality in Belgium, clearly evidenced by the fact that these two geniuses actually thought for a fraction of a second that their plan was going to work out just fine. There isn’t a single parallel universe in which this plan would’ve had a positive outcome. Not. A. Single. One.
But if you want real-life, tangible, incogitable irrationality, take heed of the fact that 28 people were killed by religious Islamic extremists of Al-Shabaab on the beaches of Lido on the very same day and that no major newspaper has deemed this news worthy of front-page coverage (or any page, besides the mid-section of the penultimate page, in between ads for fifth-hand cars and ‘expert’ accounting services). Instead we get to learn which Kardashian got a boobjob or which politician got caught sending dickpics to underage girls. Imagine if those gunmen had perpetrated those same crimes in downtown New York, or London. We wouldn’t hear the end of it. The whole #OscarsSoWhite – debacle is basically a miniature-scale replica of what goes on in the world everyday. Maybe Will Smith should stop going to Somalia as well…